This week I’m sharing some personal thoughts and ideas that are evolving and in the process of being formed. Imagine this post as a brainstorming session—messy and incomplete and not always grammatically correct or smooth. There won’t necessarily be any answers at the end. I hope that’s ok.
The hard bit
In the early hours of Sunday morning I was startled awake. There was a perfectly reasonable—albeit frustrating—cause for this. But as so often happens when a body is jerked from sleep, this abrupt awakening scared me.
The fear came in strangely, creeping over the sill of my consciousness. A window was cracked, or a doorway, and that old feeling of dread washed in. The nameless, inexplicable uneasiness. I used to get the feeling a lot, especially in my teens and then after I was attacked in 2014. On really difficult days, I’d think the feeling was trying to tell me something. Perhaps I was still unconscious on the sidewalk and everything happening around me was simply some imagined, alternate reality. Could this feeling of nameless dread be my subconscious trying to make me wake up wake up! so that I could realize my own danger and find safety?
When I was a teen the feeling was less tangible. Memory has always been a struggle for me. I often forget upsetting things. Looking back now, I can’t help but wonder whether the feeling of dread has always been with me; a sly, sneaking companion prodding insistently against the forgotten spaces in my history. What have I forgotten? Was it important? Was it dangerous?
It’s hard when fear rises without any concrete, easily identifiable reason.1 When it’s amorphous. Because how do you fight fear that doesn’t seem to have any in-the-moment cause? How do you find reassurance when you’re unclear what reassurance is needed?
Remembering talismans
Often when I pull cards, I think of them as talismans. According to the Oxford Languages Dictionary, a talisman is “an object, typically an inscribed ring or stone, that is thought to have magical powers and to bring good luck.” The word comes from the Greek telos which means “end, fulfillment, completion.” Personally, I don’t require talismans to be objects, to be inscribed, to have magical powers, or to bring good luck. I realize that this sort of negates the whole definition, but bear with me!
For me, a talisman is anything I can hold, look at, or think about that makes me feel safe and/or protected. Anything that gives me support or courage when I feel unsure or frightened. Every card in both Resilience Alchemy and Pleasure Alchemy can be used as a talisman. Over the years, I’ve also had pieces of jewelry, stones, words, quotes, images, birds, places, and many other things act as talismans.
All that matters when speaking of talismans is that you recognize and give meaning to the object/idea/etc and then remember it when you are struggling.
Working through
I pulled two cards to act as talismans to help me navigate my fear and dread this week: the action remedy Laugh from Resilience Alchemy, and Timing from Earth Blessings Oracle Cards by Liz Dean.
Somehow, some way, these cards are meant to give support. But how?
Ok, so I’ll be honest. I pulled these two cards and started crying. Not because they were the perfect cards! The magical answer! OMG I feel so much better! But because I didn’t. The two cards didn’t feel encouraging or comforting at all. In fact, they felt confusing and irrelevant—the absolute worst experience to have when one is pulling cards and yearning to find meaning in them. Oh, how hard it is to have a skeptical mind but an overwhelming desire to believe!
Still, I was/am determined. Because one of the great things about being human is being able to find meaning in unexpected places and in unusual ways. So, if you’ll explore with me, let’s try to make meaning in these cards.
Laugh
This card I think I can—and do—understand. Who was it that said the best medicine is laughter? I’m also thinking of the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, “the earth laughs in flowers.” And Mark Twain with his, “the human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” If I gave myself permission to laugh today, might I find an effective talisman against my fear?
On a purely practical note, laughter loosens the body, lightens the mood, and reminds us to breathe. How much better might I feel physically if I spend some time laughing?
The trick with the remedies in Resilience Alchemy is that they are meant to be taken. Like remedies. Unfortunately, I often forget that pulling a remedy from the deck is only the beginning of that card’s usefulness, and often the beginning of what that card asks of me. Just seeing the word Laugh isn’t enough. If I’m really serious about exploring the Laugh card as a talisman, I need to allow myself to let go and find humor, silliness, joy, relief. I need to do the work.
What can make me laugh today? What can actively help me to redirect my attention away from fear and toward laughter?
Timing
This is the card that really stumps me. Timing: may this be the right moment. The right moment for what, exactly? To forgive myself? To let go of my fear? To move on?
Or could this card be reminding me that time is not really as linear as I’ve been led to think? Hmm, that’s possible, and possibly relevant, right? Perhaps what is in the past isn’t as far off as I think it is.
Interesting side note: what if I COULD change the past?
The right moment. The right moment. For some reason I’m getting stuck on the word “right” and wondering how I’d feel if it said may this be the left moment, instead. Left speaks to what remains, the remainder. I also think of my left hand as my receiving hand since I’m right-dominant.
Image-wise, this card seems to be pointing to the moment when light breaks through the clouds. Is that the moment being referred to? Is this the moment where I let go of the past? My fear? My desire to change what can’t be changed?
What illumination am I being offered today?
And speaking of the word time leads me to timeline and the Latin philosophical phrase sub specie aeternitatis. From the view of eternity. Relevant? All the events in my life that have led me to where I am today. If I take a step back and look at my journey, might I find something important?
If I could look at my life from the view of eternity what would I see?
Or quite possibly, I’m thinking way too hard and this card is simply reminding me to be aware of my mental and emotional state. Is this the right time to make decisions? To take leaps? To surge forward? Or is it time to step back, rest, have patience?
Maybe this card is simply reminding me to be here now. I can’t be in the past. I can’t force the future. It’s this moment right now that I am being invited to embrace. And in this moment, I am safe.
I’ve got the song Timing Is Everything sung by Garrett Hedlund for the film Country Strong stuck in my head now.
I love you.
I have been incredibly lucky in my life to face very few physically dangerous events. But I recognize and honor the fact that others have not been so lucky.